No More Cake



Filed under: life — Tags: , , — Owen @ 8:13 pm

Looking through the site I realized that there are a couple stories in my life that I feel should be written down. No better place than my own little piece of cyberspace. Maybe it will give insight about my life… probably not though.

K Beach in Hampton Bays:

I’ve told this story to a bunch of people but I feel like there are still a lot of people that haven’t. Plus, it’s pretty a good story and this is my site so HA.

It starts off as a planned day on a private beach in Hampton Bays while Bickford was at work. I don’t remember what time we got there but it felt early and it was clearly an isolated beach. The only other visitors are a fat dude and a father and his baby son, it was quite peaceful. SOOO Cook sprints to (what he thinks is) the water’s edge and jumps into a massive, fully extended belly flop. As he takes off, the tide returns to the ocean disappearing from Cook’s landing point; taking with it his safety, delight and dignity along with it. He lands on his face on wet sand, it sounded like GAK!, while me, Grimes and the baby’s father burst into laughter. And that pretty much set the tone for the retardedness of the rest of the day.

I’m not a water guy, much less a beach guy. I generally spent my summers on land playing sports, even though I was a fairly strong swimmer when I was young. I realized quickly that the waves were larger and more aggressive than those on the Jersey Shore but decided to take them head-on. That was a mistake. I didn’t really have any knowledge of riptides, or coastal shelves or how to survive. I’m staying afloat and swimming under breaks out to sea without ever taking notice of how deep the water has gotten or how far out I was. Eventually I turn around.

“Oh fuck.”

I’m not sure how far I was but it looked like 100 yards. I started to swim back to the best of my ability but I think the tide was pretty much keeping me in place or at least, hampering my progress greatly. I was still incredibly far out when my energy was gone. I was dipping under the water consistently and the waves crashing over my head weren’t helping. I couldn’t touch the bottom and was seriously scared. So, I notice Cook and Grimes closer to sure and give a solid “Yo.” Bob under and up. “Hey.” Bob to see fat guy walking along beach and no lifeguards anywhere. “Help” Bob up to the laughter from Tim and Tim. “Seriously.” Bob.

They realized I wasn’t joking quickly and within moments had my arms and were swim-dragging me to shore. Progress was slow and brutal and Cook had to bail. I put a hammerlock onto Grimes’ neck and held on, kicking with the nominal energy I had left. I have never been so tired in my life, my legs moved with power of jellyfish and I could barely gasp my thanks.

When we finally get close enough to touch the bottom, I fall/drop/get dumped off his back. I’m dragging myself to shore and I hear something behind me but before I can turn around I get smashed by another HUGE wave. I literally do a front tuck underwater, bouncing off the bottom of the ocean. As the tide resides, I finally crawl to safety.

Here’s what they don’t tell you about almost drowning. As I am lying on the sand trying to catch my breath, I realize that there is some shit in my nose. Four snot rockets later, there is still bullets of sand coming out my nostrils. Eventually, I had enough out to get back to the towels and recover. Needless to say, I didn’t get back in the water.

This was only the beginning of a hugely eventful day and night that was some of the best fun I’ve had in my life. I’m heading back tomorrow and hope that it’s just as fun and a lot less waterlogged.

soggy cake


Next post will explain the new at least semipermanent title picture and the “Cake” name


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